一個女孩給初為人父的前男友…… @ 一個有枝葉的開始

Hey there,

I think about this for a while, and I decide to follow my heart and let you know how I feel. I am happy to know that your baby comes to this world and your family are all well. However, I feel sad for myself about getting this--after almost two years' not hearing from you. You want to share your good news with me. But had you tried to know how I am doing? I know you are married and probably very busy in your family life. I do not expect you still think of me often since I do not exist in your life. Sometimes I even guess you probably forget who Sabrina is. I tried to send my wishes to you as a friend on your birthday and holiday, but there was only silence on the other end. It made me feel maybe you don't want me to bother you. So who am I? Am I one of your friends?

嘿

我想了好一會兒，決定依從我心，讓你知道我的感受。我很高興你的寶寶來到這個世界，你的家人也都安好。但為我自己，我感到悲傷──在兩年未曾有你的任何音訊之後，突如其來的。你想和我分享你的喜悅，但是，你是否曾試著知道：我過得好嗎？我知道結了婚的你，邁入家庭生活之後應該很忙碌吧。而我也不期待你會偶爾想起我，畢竟我不存在於你的生活圈中。有時候我還會想，你大概已經忘了世界上有我這個人。過去這幾年，我會保持禮貌地在你的生日和聖誕節給你寄電子賀卡，作為一個朋友去祝福，但彼端總是一片沉默。這讓我漸漸感覺到，也許不該再打擾你的生活。那麼現在，我到底是誰呢？我是你的一個朋友嗎？

I want to make it clear that I do not mean I expect you to think of me as someone important. But what makes me sad is that I never feel I am still one of your friends. I am sad because for many years, I have bravely faced what happened before and tried to find ways to forgive the hurts you brought me. But you were never there. How much I wish you could still treat me as a person you care, to let me know even love had gone, something important between people still remains. How much I wish for one time you would not just walk away and never try to let me know you care if I am doing fine, even you do not love me anymore. Do you know where I am and what I am doing? Do you know if I am happy or sad? If not, what makes you feel so confident that I would be as happy as you are to share your good news? The only thing I want to ask is: do you care how I feel?

我想要清楚讓你知道，寫這些給你並不代表我期待你把我看成多麼重要的人。然而讓我灰心的是，我從來感覺不到我仍是你的朋友。我的悲傷來自於，在分開之後這麼多年來，我是如此努力地面對那些你曾帶給我的傷害，而你，始終不在。我多麼希望，你依然能關心我如任何一個你關心的人，讓我相信儘管情愛已逝，人與人之間的某些重要的東西仍會留存。我多麼希望，能有那麼一次，你不要只是不知如何是好地掉頭就走，讓我知道儘管已經不再愛了，你依然希望我過得好。你知道現在我人在哪裡、在做什麼嗎？你知道現在的我是快樂或悲傷嗎？如果不的話，是什麼讓你這麼有把握，我會和你一樣同為這個好消息感到欣喜？我想問的只有一件事：你關心我的感受嗎？

I do not expect that you would write back to me. I know it would be easier that you just ignore this and continue your happy life. Even so, I still want to let you know: it has been so many years, and the sweetness or pain of our relationship had faded. You are a father now and I am getting old too. While thinking back, I do not blame you or myself for what had hurt us before. But for all those years, there is only one thing I do not want to give up: I want to have faith in people, to believe that one person should not be mistreated, to understand that sometimes people hurt you but they are really sorry for that—that if they had really loved you, they would not just give up the caring and wishes for you even they do not love you anymore. I remember you had said that I would always be in your prayer. But sometimes I wonder why God wouldn't pass that to me, because I never feel it.

我也不期待你會回應我，知道對你來說，忽略它、繼續你的生活總是比較容易的。但儘管如此，我依然想讓你知道：已經這麼多年了，關於你我不管是甜的或是苦的，都已經褪去了。你現在已經為人父，而我也漸漸轉老。當回想過去，我不會為曾經疼痛的而怪你、怪我自己。但是這麼多年以來，只有一件事情我不想放棄──我希望能相信人，相信一個人應該被善待，相信有時候當有人傷害了自己，他們真的對妳的痛感到很抱歉：如果他們真的曾經愛過、真心喜歡過妳，便不會放棄對妳的關懷和對妳的祝福，即便他們不愛妳了。我記得你曾說過，在你的祝禱中永遠會有我，但是有時候我很想問上帝為何不把這些祝福傳遞給我，因為我從來沒有感覺到。

I send this to you only to let you know: the young girl has gone through so much in those years after departing. Until now, she still hasn't given up the hope. She still has a very little wish that she is really cared—as a person, to let known that even love passes, the essential goodness and pure caring between two persons still remain. She might not get it from you because she always tries to understand that you do not mean to, always wishing you the best. But sometimes she feels so tired to keep this faith, for who would treat her the way she treats others?

But she will still keep this faith all her life.

我寄給你這封信，是想讓你知道：在分開之後，那個年輕女孩亦經歷了許多。一直到今天，她依然沒有放棄那個希望。在她心中依然有那麼一個小小的心願，是去相信她真的是被關心的──作為一個值得的人；去知道儘管愛情會消逝，但曾經相互珍惜的兩個人之間，那種回歸原初的善意和關懷仍會留存心中。也許她從你身上尋不到，因為她總是會試著去了解，你並不是故意的；總是會去祝福你得到你想要的。但是有時候，她會很累很累，因為她對待感情總是溫柔，但有多少人會記得要這樣對待她？

只是她依然希望一生維護這個信念。